I have been wanting to share this post for a long time, but struggled with the best ways to write it. Actually, it has sat as a draft on blogger for three months now. But, today I thought, #Time'sUp. Time to post it.
The second instalment to #Time'sUp is about undervaluing and mistreating fathers. (See my last post on how this series began - 'Time's Up | Slavery') This is a delicate subject, but one that is very important to me.
The job of raising a child is one of the most important in the world. You are raising a little human, who knows nothing, to become a neighbour, friend, and teaching them morals, values, and faith. It is by no means an easy job. But when you think of the most important person in a child's life, who do you think of?
Most people would say that child's mother is the most important. Mothers are so important, there is no question about that. But when the importance of a father is brought up, people begin to change their tone slightly.
The term deadbeat father is used freely, whereas deadbeat mother? Not very common. Fathers tend to be seen as the strict, harsh, controlling, and neglectful, where as mothers are caring, loving, kind, after all there's nothing like a "mother's love". In most quotes about narcissists and abusers, that are freely posted and shared on social media, these individuals are referred to as 'he' or 'him'.
If a person does not see or speak to their father, people are sympathetic towards them, automatically assume the worst of the father, and are understanding. If a person does not speak to their mother, they are told to forgive, forget, and reminded of all the wonderful things their mother has done for them. After all, someone can live without their father, but not without their mother. Right?
Single mothers or those with full custody of their children are praised, called brave, and made into heroes. Single fathers are not really taken that seriously, or considered special.
Don't misunderstand me, none of this is trying to say that mothers are not important. But it addresses a double standard in society - and reinforces that fathers are just as important.
Now, I want to dig deeper into something overlooked, ignored, and forgotten.
Divorce is something that was once looked upon as shocking and saddening, but today is almost considered the "norm". Many times the divorce process goes smoothly, and fairly calmly. But, sometimes, it doesn't.
There are many cases, in which things are very different. Case after case has been reported in which family courts are bias against fathers. It is preferable that custody of children go to their mothers, and fathers are considered less important in that child's life.
And then of course, there's the "easy" way to gain sympathy, intimidate the other parent, have a "Biblical" reason for divorce, and hopefully win any court proceedings about custody. False allegations.
Yes, the messy and sad issue that is swept under the carpet, and makes people cringe at the mention of it.
Abuse is such an important issue. It should be faced head on, and reported immediately. The children should be taken to safety when they are in danger.
But some people choose to play the system, for their own profit. And it isn't pretty. But it happens.
I have personally heard police say that it is common for them to receive calls, making a claim which would make their spouse seem criminal, or try and stain their reputation. It happens, I've seen it. It's not just a myth spread by "meninists".
Being fair, spending time working things out, and coming to a fair conclusion takes time, and some people just don't see it as worth that time. In most of the cases, fathers are the ones being targeted. Most of the time, people take the "guilty until proven innocent" stance. Even if the allegations are proven wrong, the slander has done its work, and people don't care what's right or wrong, because they feel they cannot trust that father anymore. One cannot simply undo their words. Once doubt has been planted in someone's mind, it is almost impossible to remove.
Parents - whether mothers or fathers, who falsely accuse the other parent of abuse, show a disrespect for those who are actually going through abuse. They are taking up the valuable time of those who could be spending time investigating real cases of abuse.
They show a disrespect for their children, not caring what their children say, and trying to silence and shame them into being quiet. When I see or hear about cases like this, I am disgusted by how the parent seems as though they would rather have their child being abused than not! When making up such stories one shows a disregard for their child's wellbeing, and an extreme amount of selfishness. There is no excuse for their behaviour.
I could continue writing about this topic, but I think I have said enough.
What can we to do to end this unfair treatment of fathers?
Firstly, we should realize that fathers play a very important role in their child's life. They are not incapable of looking after children. They deserve respect.
Secondly, we should be willing to admit that fathers deserve and equal right to their children, and that not all fathers are neglectful. I am so thankful to have my father in my life, for his strength, kindness, and how he has always been there to support me and make sure my voice is heard.
Thirdly, we should never, ever, assume the "guilty until proven innocent" stance when allegations are taken up against them, especially during divorces.
If we hear slander, we should go to the person being slandered against, and the children, and talk to them about it with an open mind.
If uncomfortable with doing this, we should refuse to listen to the slander, and hold a completely unbiased view towards both parents, until the issue is resolved.
Probably some of you are going to take my article wrong. I'm not saying all fathers are innocent. I'm not saying that all allegations are false. But I am saying, that there is a bias, and false allegations do occur.
Also, please read the note below, which addresses the original topic of the #Time'sUp movement.
Note: * It is important that sexual harassment ends, and everyone is treated with respect. I have witnessed the way workplace harassment affects people, and how it is excused, ignored, and not taken seriously even in the 'Christian' community. This article doesn't mean to diminish that, just raise light on other issues that we need to say time is up on. *
